 Following in the theme of my previous post, I thought I'd debunk some ideas that people have when it comes to those who suffer from social anxiety. I have never been officially diagnosed with such a disorder, but trust me, I suffer from it. Many individuals have certain misconceptions of people who go through this, and most often than not, they're completely wrong. I've had people think I'm rude or have some sort of anger management problem, and even some who think I just find everyone annoying. But I'm going to let you in on a little secret... it's none of the above.
Growing up, I used to be a socially-abled person. Yeah, I think I just made that up. But really, I used to be the kind of kid who could initiate a conversation, approach other people and be around them without feeling embarrassed, ashamed, or anxious. I was once an outgoing kid, excited about the possibilities my future had in store for me, and I was genuinely looking forward to that period of my life. Until I wasn't anymore. When I turned 14, my mom, my sister and I moved to the United States for the first time in some 10 or so years. I had never experienced what living in this country was like and I had no clue how to be an 'American' kid at a normal public school. Needless to say, I was out of my element, and that's when things started going south in my life. The prospect of living in the States for the first time was exciting for me, and I'd always dream of living here since I was very young, but when I finally got here, everything was so different and I felt left out. It was almost like it was this whole other world and everyone was light years ahead of me. Around this time is when I began to retract from everything. I became the quiet kid and the one nobody ever paid any attention to. This is the version that has followed me around ever since without any sign of letting go, and as I mentioned in my previous post, it's been getting pretty hard to do every day things because of the extreme anxiety I feel. So, here are the most common misconceptions people have of socially anxious individuals: 1. When I'm Quiet and Don't Speak Trust me, the conversation is probably very interesting, but I'm extremely self-conscious of putting in my two-cents because of how my answer could be perceived. I'm worried that you'll judge whatever I say, or that what I mean wouldn't come across the right way, so instead of saying something, I just listen. I pay close attention to everything you're saying and make notes in my head of things I can pick up that interest me. If it's something that really sticks with me, I'll ponder over it and analyze it when I'm alone. So don't think I'm disinterested, I'm just afraid of saying something stupid. 2. When I Cancel Our Plans You might think this makes me a douche, and it probably does, but you don't know what's going through my head before our planned event. I am constantly over-analyzing what I'll say, how I'll react to various scenarios that run through my head, and even how I'll act when I'm around you. Then, when it's time to get ready, I'll obsess over what I'll wear and pick every single thing apart. I'll begin to go through every possible thing that could go wrong about our meeting, and if that wasn't enough, I will go the whole day without being able to stomach food because of the nerves. So I'll cancel our plans and cease the worries. 3. Why I Prefer to use Email or Text This one is fairly easy to understand, because if you've ever spoken to me on the phone, you'd know I sound like a drug-addicted individual unable to maintain a steady breath and come up with the right order of words. I stutter like crazy and sometimes confabulate my words in the most random way possible. And if I'm willing to embarrass myself even further, I'll probably begin to burp if you're someone I find attractive or have the slightest crush on. FML! But seriously, I rather text or message you than have an actual conversation over the phone. It's for both our sakes! So there you go. The most common misconceptions I've heard related to my social anxiety and people who don't realize how it makes us feel. I hope this gives you a sense of what individuals who suffer from social anxiety go through. Just know that it's not because of you, or because we're rude, we're just really self-conscious and our thoughts prevent us from moving forward and doing things that'll place us out of our comfort zones. If you're someone who suffers from social anxiety and are looking for some ideas on how to take better control of your life, check out my Social Anxiety Struggle post for some insight on what you can do to put yourself out there and find some comfort.
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Have you ever felt like a shadow walking amongst the masses? I have. And if I'm being completely honest, those are the times when I feel most at peace. The times when you're on your own and nobody acknowledges you are the most freeing and less vulnerable times. But when is this feeling considered too much? Is there such a thing as 'too much alone time'? Yes. Yes there is. And one way of knowing when you've gone too long without any personal connection or interaction, is when you start questioning whether your separation from the rest of the world is somehow affecting your ability to function as a regular human being.
I thought about this at great length recently since I've been stuck in a rut for the past few weeks. I've been struggling to put myself out there and find the motivation to do normal, every day things. It's gotten to the point where I've missed so many classes these past few weeks that my vacuous thinking is now preventing me from going back to class from fear of people questioning or judging me. This is only a small fraction of my fears being pushed against the more important thoughts in my head. And it's working. I recently attended orientation for my new job and I found myself sitting in my car, thinking about leaving before going in. This type of thinking scares me to the point that I am constantly questioning whether I will be able to find and maintain a partner and a meaningful relationship, which is something many people with this type of thinking desire, including myself. So, what can I do to change the way I think and the way I react? I honestly don't have a specific answer to this question. I end up breathing heavily and having extreme heart palpitations while trying to act like a regular person in front of people or even before an event that I know will cause these types of thoughts. Many people who know me and whom I confided in with this problem, do not necessarily understand where I'm coming from, even when they try their hardest to. This leaves me with more worries because I don't have a support system that I can count on when the feeling is more prevalent, which in my case, has been pretty often and steady in the past few weeks. I decided to do some research to see how I could potentially take the initiative as I sit behind a computer screen and behind a smartphone, and compiled a small list of things I can do to make myself less self-conscious and avoid those pesky feelings of wanting to be alone because of fear of judgement and big crowds: 1. Talk to a Professional Some people might scoff at this one, but it's truly one of those things that really does help, even when you're skeptical of its results. Do some research online for therapists or counselors that specialize in anxiety disorders, some even specialize specifically on social anxiety and social issues in general. If you're concerned about the price and/or you're low on money, check to see if they accept insurances or if they have payment plans available. For college students, most universities offer free counseling sessions per academic year (mine offers 12 sessions) if you decide to opt out of their insurance. If you payed for your university's insurance, your school might offer unlimited counseling sessions (like mine does). 2. Join a Support Group This is another one of those you might scoff at, but hear me out. It's often said that people who share experiences with others who go through the same thing, benefit from their commonality. It's almost like seeing a counselor or therapist, because you share these things with the other person and they understand and relate to you. If you find someone who struggles with the same issues, you can take the opportunity to lift each other up and motivate each other into doing things you wouldn't normally do by yourself. Like going out to the mall, or watching a movie, or even someone you have a class with. Having someone who understands you by your side can make a huge difference. 3. Write About It It might seem cliché or cheesy, but writing about your feelings really does help. Whenever I find myself in a rut, like I am right now, I can write about it and feel better within minutes. As I type this, I already feel like I can conquer these fears by applying some of these things I'm currently writing about, which I hopefully will. So start a blog, or write an article and send it out to a magazine to have it published, maybe start a conversation on social media. Put your ideas out there and try to find others that relate. If you can communicate your feelings through writing, then you're one step closer to figuring out how to manage them as well. This is all I could come up with from the top of my head. I might write a followup post on my progress. I will be going to seek counseling at my university and I will also join a group in hopes of finding someone I can share these types of feelings with. If I can at least make myself feel better by writing this post, then I will continue to do so, even if other people don't read it. I hope this will give me that extra push of encouragement I've been needing and perhaps it'll help me acknowledge my thought-processing when it comes to social anxiety and my desire to be alone. I recently received the devastating news of my paternal grandmother's passing. Throughout my adolescence, I have received this type of news quite often from my mother's side of the family, with the passing of my grandfather, a great-aunt, my great-grandmother and two uncles, it has indeed been a very tumultuous past few years. I find myself constantly thinking of what my life has been up to this point, and whether or not there's value in assigning one's own life a purpose. It seems as though the general idea of living life with a goal is far-fetched, when you take into consideration the fact that most people do not, indeed, meet their much desired goal by the time they leave this earth.
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J. TalvoStudent of Sociology and Women, Gender & Sexuality Studies at Wright State University. ArchivesCategories |
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